how come sometimes it can feel so easy to be "in step" with God, and sometimes you feel sooo very far. i struggle so much with the word "feel". i rarely feel close to God, in terms of how I think i should feel?! Doesn't seem to make sense. I guess i have a picture in my mind of how I should feel if i'm right there with God - based on other people's experiences? - and i often don't feel that. when i feel closest to God, I always end up crying - whether through godly sorrow or complete joy. neither of those are a bad thing! but i don't let myselfget to that point enough. i don't like to cry. i really don't. and i will avoid it at all costs. I remember once at a state conference last year, i did a listening to God workshop, and after a while we were asked to say what we heard God saying to us. Everyone came out with things like 'you're special', 'i love you', 'i'm proud of you' etc etc. I heard God telling me i needed to be broken. That was pretty powerful coz godly sorrow was being thrown in my face a lot at that time. i hate getting into a pattern with QTs. i mean it's a helpful (not good c:) habit to have, but it so easily becomes dry for me. to go through the same routine and come out no different. then i feel lost and disconnected and afraid that i'm not really saved at all. Then I know that God is bigger than all that, even than the bogeyman (for all you veggietales fans), and He loves me and nothing NOTHING can seperate me from the love of Jesus Christ (Praise GOD!!). But so often I crave that "feeling" of God. And then coz I can't, I feel discouraged. Keep growing me Lord.
Meanwhile, as a different comment, struggle is the much with boundaries. I like my boundaries. I like to put boundaries around myself so no one can get in. I cage myself so I won't get hurt. But I find that when i'm weak, I let people walk all over me, and I don't have the courage to stand up for myself, or what I believe in, or what I believe, or KNOW, to be right. It's not always their fault. My failure to be right hurts myself and them. Often i'm just too tired, or in the moment when it's easy to say a hurtful thing or do something unhelpful, or it makes me feel better or nice for that moment at least, or i don't know. But thankyou God that although there are always consequences, you remove my transgressions away from me as far as east is from west (that's a long way!).